All About AmazinAdrielle - B!

After brainstorming some things relating to my life, I have created this lovely alphabet about me - so you can get to know me a little better! You can also find more information about me on my website =).

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B is for...

Bejeweled - I am addicted to Bejeweled games on my iPad - mainly Butterflies, Poker, Diamond Mine, and Lightening!

Bees - I am allergic to bee stings - but this doesn't stop me from really liking bees! They are really cute when you watch them! Bzzz!

Bachelor of Behavioural Science - the degree I completed at La Trobe University in 2009. I studied a range of subjects in the fields of psychology, behavioural neuroscience, sociology, statistics, management communications and scientific research. It was a really interesting course, and I got great marks and enjoyed my time studying =). Unfortunately, due to my worsening medical problems, I was unable to accept my place in the honours year class - which made me sad. However, I am very glad that I was able to complete the three years that I did before my illness and disability became too severe for me to continue =D. I love studying and learning new things!

Braces - having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), I need to wear a lot of splints, braces and supports to keep my joints in place (they dislocate very easily - even in my sleep). I got my newest braces in January. They are for my knees - and are glittery purple! My new braces mean that I can walk around on short trips - instead of always having to use my wheelchair!

Bruising - another symptom of EDS is easy bruising. Some bruises even give themselves a tick of approval!

Butterflies - as well as being cute and looking pretty as they flutter around my garden, butterflies of specific colours are the awareness symbols for some of the medical conditions I suffer from. Blue butterflies are a symbol of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), and a purple butterfly is used for fibromyalgia =). I also like making little animated pixel butterflies, cross-stitching and beading butterflies, and taking photos of butterflies (and other creatures)!

 

Budgies - Last year, Ellenya and I adopted two baby budgies from the local market! Snowy (the whiter budgie) and Petri (the blue, black and white budgie) are SO INCREDIBLY CUTE! We love them! They are very friendly, and love to chatter away and play with their toys =D.

B is also for beaches (which I visit rarely, but adore), beading (one of my hobbies), and Baconian Feasts (a feast of bacon, eggs and toast of mythical proportions)!

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The next installment in this alphabet will be coming soon! 

~Ad =)

All About AmazinAdrielle - A!

After brainstorming some things relating to my life, I have created this lovely alphabet about me - so you can get to know me a little better! You can also find more information about me on my website =)

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A is for...

Australia - the country where I live.

Animals - I love animals of all kinds, but I have a phobia of really big goannas and I am allergic to bee stings. I share my house with two budgies (Petri and Snowy), two canaries (Honey and Treacle), a severum (Shortie), three angelfish (Pearlie, Rain and Nilla), two silver sharks (Big Sharkie and Little Sharkie), two turtles (Franklin and Shelley), and a cat (Moke). They are part of my family =D. I also like to photograph all kinds of creatures!

Art and animation - two of my greatest creative passions! I used to make fan art and contest entries for the Puzzle Pirates game, and was very happy to have my portrait backgrounds, trinkets and scene designs appear in the game =). I have won prizes for my digital and traditional artwork over the years, and I still dream of one day becoming an artist.

AIE - where I studied certificate III in media! Some of my assignments can be seen on my YouTube channel.

Lastly, from the name of my blog and my Twitter account, you may also have noticed that I like alliteration =D

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The letter B in this alphabet will be coming soon! =)

~Ad =)

I Don't Want to be Scared to Create Anymore!

I hate that lately I've been too scared and self-conscious to create and share my work freely. I feel like I can't express myself easily without art, craft and writing - and being unable to create makes me feel idle, bored and depressed. 

The trouble started about seven months ago, when I had a terrible reaction to heart medication that had been prescribed by my cardiologist. The pills were beta-blockers, and were supposed to help with POTS and SVT, however, taking them almost resulted in me losing my mind. 

I was warned that there would be side effects, but I was told they would subside within a week or two. Only they didn't subside, and I became too out-of-it to realize that the medication was responsible for the way I was feeling. Among other things, I had repetitive ultra-realistic nightmares of my own death (which I would then re-experience as flashbacks or dissociative episodes during the day), and an overwhelming fear of my own imminent death would suddenly come over me at random times. I had panic attacks that made my whole body numb, and severe anxiety that I couldn't shake. It was the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my life. 

Anyway, I have blogged about the side effects I experienced on beta blockers before. To make the long story short, I ended up stopping taking the medication. I figured the heart problems could not be worse than the side effects of the tablets. After stopping the medication, my several-a-day panic attacks became once-a-week, then once-in-a-while. I have now not had a panic attack in several months! All of my side effect symptoms improved but for some residual anxiety. 

This residual anxiety is still a problem, because since then, I have felt uneasy creating art and craft, and I feel especially nervous about sharing my creations. Thoughts of having it judged negatively by my friends or by those I admire trigger my anxiety to the point where I now find myself sharing very little at all. 

I used to hate the way that society made other people scared to be creative. It made me sad when people would forewarn when sharing things they had drawn or made, using sentences like: "I'm not an artist, but...". I felt like they were somehow trying to distance themselves from their creation so that others judgments couldn't hurt them, and it made me sad that people would feel that way. However, lately, I have caught myself doing exactly this! It somehow feels like other people's opinions matter more now. I think I have lost the resilience that I used to have before my experiences with anxiety and the other side effects that my heart tablets caused. 

I keep wondering how I can get back to being how I was before I took those awful pills, and how I can stop caring so much about what other people think of me and my work. It seems that this is not an easy task. I used to focus on the fact that the worth of creative works is subjective and that no matter how many people didn't like what I made, somewhere, someone would - even if that someone was me!

I suppose that like getting rid of the panic attacks and other symptoms, getting rid of this residual anxiety will take time. I'm sure that it won't disappear if I hide my creativity, though. So wish me luck as I embark on the next leg of my journey to beat anxiety. It won't be easy. but I am sure it will be worth it.

~Ad =)

Toe Woes!

On Sunday, I clumsily kicked the sink in our bathroom and stubbed two of my toes. My middle toe took the brunt of the force, and my second toe hit it as well. As soon as I'd done it, my middle toe went completely numb. I was a little worried, because I had hit it really hard, and numbness didn't seem like a good sign - but I was happy it wasn't hurting, and I had a lot to do - so I pretty much ignored it. To tell the truth, I was probably more upset that I had chipped my rainbow nail polish! 

Sunday, just after the toe met the sink/its foe.

The second and middle toes started to bruise pretty much straight away - in a line where they had hit the sink - but it wasn't painful. Apart from a very dull ache, I couldn't feel it at all! It was still numb.

That night, it was still completely numb. I figured I must have hurt the nerve in it somehow. It took until yesterday to actually gain the feeling back in the toe - and it started to REALLY HURT! 

Sunday night. Ignore the washing in the background.

Given that I dislocate lots of bones, and take daily pain killers, I guess the pain could have been masked a bit at first. Last night, however, it became unbearable, and I ended up at the local hospital. 

The toe on Tuesday/yesterday.

I felt a little bit embarrassed, and worried that I might have been wasting their time, but they were really nice and sympathetic. The doctor examined the offending toes, and my foot - and made the weird discovery that the bottom of the middle of my foot was still numb. I could not feel him touching the middle at all - and the area either side was quite tingly! 

He decided that I had to have x-rays. I didn't have to wait very long at all! A specialist is going to double check the x-ray today, and call if there is a problem, but the doctor could see no obvious fractures.

The toe - all splinted and comfy!

The doctor splinted the toe of woe with bits of metal and foam, and told me that I can't walk on it -at all- for two whole weeks! After two weeks, I have to get it checked again. Two weeks seems like a long time for a toe, but I will do as he says. Hopefully the weird nerve numbness will have healed by then, and the pain and swelling will have settled down =D. I was able to sleep last night, as it was much more comfortable with the splint on it - so I am happy! 

~Ad =)

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UPDATE:

After a week of immobilization, rest and elevation, some of the darker bruising had started to fade, and more bruising started to come out on my foot. 

After a week in a splint.

By the weekend, I still couldn't walk on my toes (the doctor said not to, but the pain was just too bad if I tried to touch them to the floor!) 

At the weekend. 

I managed to get outside (with crutches) for Australia Day lunch, though =).

Relaxing in the sunshine on Australia Day!

It has been a week and a half now since I went to the hospital. My toes are looking and feeling much better! They aren't keeping me awake at night anymore, and I'm not taking extra pain medication for them. Hopefully by next week I will be able to walk around with them on the floor again! =D

~Ad =) 

Carols by candlelight!

Last night, my family and I went to our local carols by candlelight. It was so awesome to get out of the house, and I had so much fun! =D 

Me!

My jingle bell bracelets!

My candle, song book and snacks! 

I can't really join in with the singing anymore because my jaw is too unstable, but it was nice to listen and watch. It was relaxing to watch the sky change as the sun went down... 

...and to watch the candle flames dance =). I lit my candle early - before it was completely dark - because I wanted to make the most of it. Ellenya said all candles should have names - so mine became known as Candy the Friendly Candle! 

My candle!

My candle with some snacks! 

On the way out, we got some fairy floss... just a small serving... 

LOL!

To top off our evening, on the way home, we saw some Christmas lights! I tried to snap some pictures through the windows of the car, but they didn't turn out too well. One of the houses had a rainbow on the roof - it was awesome =D. 

I love this time of year!

~Ad =)

Baby blackbirds!

I love this time of year =D. There are lots of baby birds around our garden, and I can watch them from the windows! I've managed to grab some photos and videos through the windows over the last few weeks:

This video is of a nest outside my parents' bedroom window:

And this little guy is from another nest near our back sliding door!

A baby blackbird on a pot in our backyard!

~AmazinAdrielle =)

A Ridiculous 'Inspirational' Quote

Inspirational quotes - the kind that are supposed to affirm that each and every one of us is completely in control of our own destiny and our own happiness, and that if we work constantly at changing ourselves, we can be better human beings. People love to tweet and retweet these kinds of things. They even print them on real-life vases, fridge magnets, coffee mugs, and a host of other gift-shop objects.

I, however, am generally not a fan of such quotes. This is mostly because I don't think that happiness is something that can be taught - only felt, and naive as I am in the ways of the world, even I know that people are frequently placed in situations over which they have little or no control. I tend to try to take such quotes as being well-intended, but unfollow people who continually tweet or retweet them.

Last night, however, I saw a Tweet that really bugged me:

The only disability in life is a bad attitude. -Scott Hamilton

I know that this was supposed to be an empowering or inspiring quote, but seeing it on my timeline really irked me. The only disability in life is a bad attitude? Really? I don't feel that this true at all. In fact, I consider the claim to be utterly ridiculous. Obviously, disability has many causes, and comes in many forms. It is upsetting to think that others have so little understanding of the challenges that people with disabilities face each day.

I am certainly not disabled solely by my attitude. Rather, the barriers I face in participating in social activities, romance, work, study, community, sporting and cultural activities are caused by a number of interrelated factors. These include the symptoms of a complex collection of genetic and acquired illnesses, and by the lack of access I have to services and resources (such as money).  

It is insulting that some people believe the challenges that people like myself face are somehow self-imposed. Do these people really believe that all people with disabilities have a "bad attitude"? Or do people with disabilities that do not have "bad attitudes" somehow also not have disabilities in their eyes? It doesn't make sense to me. Would we suddenly and miraculously no longer be disabled if we worked hard and our changed our attitudes? If only it was that easy. 

Unfortunately, real-life doesn't work that way. Disability can happen to anyone, at any time. I understand that people want to think that it won't happen to them. They want to feel as though maintaining a positive attitude will somehow make their problems disappear, and they want to believe that nothing in life is outside of their control, but sadly this is not true.

I believe that I (like most of the other people I know who have disabilities) usually maintain a very positive attitude. This helps to keep me sane, and gives me resilience against the daily challenges I face. I am not disabled by a bad attitude. I have a positive attitude, and a disability. 

~AmazinAdrielle